As a clinical people pleaser, I did everything I could to be there for everyone. I pitched in to help create special social media projects at work. I overcompensated on group projects to avoid people getting mad about their workload. I would succumb to servitude to give gifts and provide service to friends who I believed might have been angry with me. I never made decisions or engaged in conflict because it came at the expense of potentially hurting others' feelings. My mind silenced my political, emotional, and social values to conform with the larger group and avoid opposition.
More importantly, I came to say "I'm sorry" so much that the phrase had no value to it anymore. Sorry to be a burden, Sorry to bother you, Sorry for the mishap, Sorry for the early email. I would even apologize for things that weren't even my fault.
It seemed as if the more I said these sorry-filled phrases, the worse I would feel about myself. It felt like I was burdening someone or doing something wrong all the time. I had built this belief in my head that I was inconveniencing others and constantly making mistakes. After a while, I was not only exhausted but was left with this sturdy foundation of thinking that I was incapable of achieving anything.
I found my people-pleasing got particularly worse in college. After graduating, I was bored because I didn't know what to do. I had spent so much of my time doing schoolwork, working on campus, going out with friends that I had hardly any idea of what I enjoyed doing in my free time and felt uncomfortable being alone with my thoughts.
This is the danger of pleasing people, and the scary thing is, the more we engage in this behavior, the more likely we begin to lose our self-concepts and control over our lives. We lose sight of the passions and hobbies that ground us and the values that build us.
For me, I needed to find the balance of being a helpful, kind, and reliable person while still standing firm in my boundaries, values, and passions. I had to engrave the idea that there will always be people who don't like you into my head. Today, I am still learning to do so.
To regain parts of my life that I lost, I had to take the time to prioritize what I needed at the moment, focus on furthering my passions, and educating myself more on topics I wanted to learn more about.
At nearly 22 years old, I almost had no value system to call my own and felt as though I had lost touch with hobbies that brought me joy. Though starting a full-time job, I had to reserve time for myself and not sacrifice it.
The time I have before work and after work is some of my favorite parts of the day. Though limited to just a few hours, it was the perfect time for me to focus on myself and better myself.
Step 1: Continue with what you love.
Though I fell into a hole of overexercising and restrictive eating earlier in college, I loved the way exercise could clear my head from ruminating thoughts. I decided to start over and find what practices worked best to remain active while healing my mind. I found relaxing exercises like walks and yoga were the best for me. Buying a cycle bar membership allowed me to get my 45-minute high-intensity workout about once a week which was the perfect amount.
What I loved about these exercises was the empowerment and strength I began to feel rebuilding in my body. It was something I looked forward to doing and continually blocked off time for. Before, I would constantly dread lifting weights at the gym and carried ulterior motives to my trips there. This time, I wanted my physical exercise to be for me and not for external purposes.
I also love drawing and mental health advocacy. I made a pact to continue writing for my website each week and set aside time after work to practice my drawing skills. I kept up with my weekly mental health Instagram stories to further advocacy and used it to hold myself accountable for prioritizing my journey.
Step 2: Find what's lacking and move toward change.
I found that I was not prioritizing my beauty and skincare because I made the excuse that there was "never enough time" for it. To combat this excuse, I began to set alarms to remind myself to take vitamins and do my skincare each night until it becomes a habit.
I found that I was not affirming my strengths enough, which caused rumination and overthinking to settle in. Each time a negative thought enters your mind, I encourage you to say the word stop to yourself and purposely begin an affirmation that encompasses a strength or compliment to yourself. I am still actively trying to accomplish this. Give yourself grace when it becomes hard to let go of rumination.
Step 3: Find time to expand and learn.
Taking the time to learn something outside of work and school can be motivating and empowering because it's attached to passion. It allows you to divert your attention away from professional and academic stressors and enables you to become more open-minded towards new activities you may enjoy. I wanted to read books about mental health, learning to cook with meal prep, educate myself more on natural beauty, and eating more whole food groups.
After taking the time to learn, I would be excited and proud of the information I absorbed. I felt more confident to contribute to conversations and had this new drive to focus more energy on topics and discussions that bring drive and purpose to my life.
To build a better set of values. I began to educate my whole self. I read more news articles. I took time to explore Instagram threads on world crises and systemic issues affecting our country. At work, I joined the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion task force to bring such topics to attention and create a team of further allyship and support. I began to follow factually relevant news sources and engaging leaders who fit the mold of values I had believed. Though I still have more work to do, I feel more confident in expressing my thoughts and more capable of contributing to uncomfortable conversations.
It's hard to get out of the cycle of pleasing people. We are surrounded by the potential thoughts, feelings, and reactions of others towards ourselves. Once we begin to stray away from it, it can feel like what we are doing is wrong. People pleasers are in the battle of us vs. me and may feel burnt out and find it hard to relax. Suppose we begin to take charge in finding what makes us happy, and surrounding ourselves with learning, and fueling our passions. In that case, we begin to redevelop our self-concept and build the confidence to form boundaries and values that accentuate who we are.
Here is your reminder that you are not the gatekeeper of another's thoughts, life situations, or feelings. Practice leads to habit (and I will never say perfect because it's an unrealistic, impossible societal standard).
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